Jeremy Rosenberg

Ask the Art guru – Kienholtz

Dear Art Guru: I love to check out museum news on the Internet. I read that a docent at your Los Angeles County Museum of Art was fired for showing a group of 5th graders Ed Kienholtz's 1966 installation, "Back Seat dodge '38," and commenting, "It has to do with sex. Is there anyone here who hasn't heard about sex yet?" What's your reaction? Should the docent have been dismissed? – James, Berlin, Germany

Dear James,

First things first: Why are you using the Internet to read about art news? You should use it the way the Art Guru does – to run an untraceable, multimillion dollar offshore gambling concern. Second, regarding the docent, she should definitely NOT have been fired for asking if any of the kids had not yet heard about sex. She should, however, have been fired for even contemplating the possibility that a kid today doesn't know what sex is. The docent should also have been fired for thinking that kids still equate automobiles with sex – that concept's been out ever since the original OPEC embargo! Today's cars get better mileage, but they don't provide enough backseat space for any serious foolin' around. Don't believe me? Try getting' busy in a Dodge Colt or Ford Esprit, or god forbid, a Yugo. And speaking of logistics, kids today live in a broken-home, latchkey-kid world – their parents aren't greeting them at the front door and giving them an after-school snack. The point is, if late '90s kids are getting busy, they're doing it in their parents' beds, in the middle of the afternoon.

Regardless, your mention of the Internet did give the Art Guru an idea. I decided to follow your example and attempt to use the World Wide Web in order to do some good. So I spent a day surfing in order to see if there were similar examples of museum docents being let goo – or retained – over incidents similar to the Kienholtz one. Lo and behold, it turns out there were quite a few precedents for dismissal. Here's a sample of the more interesting ones:

Exhibition of Edvard Munch's "The Scream," Oslo, Norway, 1894. Docent fired for asking, "Is there anyone here who hasn't heard about insanity yet?"

Exhibition of Goya's "Saturn Devouring one of his Children," Madrid, Spain, 1839. Docent fired for asking visiting school group, "Is there anyone here who hasn't heard about cannibalism yet?"

Exhibition of Samon Hirst, London, England, 1997. Docent fired for asking visiting school group, "Is there anyone here who hasn't heard about cutting a cute, harmless cow in half with a chainsaw yet?"

Exhibition of Cave Drawings, Lascaux, France. 22,000 B.C. Docent fired for asking visiting school group, "Is there anyone here who can tell me why your ignorant parents haven't figured out perspective yet?"

Exhibition of Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres's "Odalisque with a Slave," Baltimore, Maryland., 1948. Docent fired for asking visiting school group, "Is there anyone here who doesn't know what it's like to be a dysfunctional male who hangs out in houses of ill repute and showgirl dressing rooms, hoping to impress them with colorful drawings?"

Exhibition of Michaelangelo's "David," Florecne, Italy, 1541. Docent fired for asking visiting school group, "Is there anyone here who doesn't know what a naked boy looks lile?"

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